So, How Are You Feeling Today?

I didn’t used to be this way.  I didn’t dread coming to work.  I didn’t go home at night hating the world.  Once I got home, I didn’t used to cringe when the phone rang.  I didn’t feel like hiding inside the house and never leaving again.  I wasn’t a negative person.  I didn’t hate it when the doorbell rang, or when I had to come home, get ready, and go back out again for something social, and smile at the same people who made my life hell earlier that day.

I do now.

I didn’t cringe when the phone rang (and rang, and rang, and rang again) at work.  I didn’t cringe when I was told it was for me (every 5 minutes).  I didn’t cringe (and wonder if it is too late to duck behind the counter) when Mr. or Mrs. Needy came through the doors, knowing I was in for at least 10 minutes of my time wasted.

I do now.

I used to love being here for my people.  I loved coming to work.  I was a positive person, to the point of being a bit naive.  I smiled and laughed.  I loved the little old ladies and gentlemen who came in, trusted me, and respected me.  I loved teaching people about their medications and talking to them about their diets and nutrition.  I loved feeling like I was making a difference, albeit a small one, in the world.  When I did arrive at home, I used to have some energy left for the people and things I love.  I didn’t used to be an antisocial, ranting, soap-box standing Phrustrated Pharmacist. 

I am now. 

And it makes me very sad, not just for me and my family, but for my colleagues, the profession of pharmacy, and the healthcare profession in general.  It is a sign of the times, and a sign of just how bad it is getting in the world of pharmacy.  Over time, things have subtly changed.  Patient attitudes towards the pharmacy and pharmacist have slowly shifted, and practice of pharmacy has changed.  It’s no longer a practice of anything but futility.  Somewhere  “patients” shifted to “customers”, and “pharmacists” shifted to “glorified sales clerks”.  I find more meaning and fulfillment doing something in my spare time that would only have required an 8^th grade education, and it even involves a job that would deal with the public, and wouldn’t involve standing for 8 to 12 hours straight, with no bathroom or lunch break, or worries about liability and whether or not I missed something serious enough to kill someone during the chaos of the typical pharmacy day.  How’s that for irony?

I am pervasively sad and exhausted to my core today.  Actually have been for some time.  How are you feeling?

--T.Ph.RPh.